2023 - a recap
2023 was such a shit year.
i could not even begin to articulate how despair and poverty affected me as a person last year. i have friends who helped and understands and i am forever grateful.
i've lost two senior cats, caught the fucked up covid and infected my ailing mother and my sister, lost friends, eating the same thing and apparently now i have a high cholesterol, got the electricity cut off at the end of november because my family can't afford to pay the bill, and a whole other bullshit that i really don't want to get into right now.
but there is always a silver lining. despite all the bad things that happened to me, first and foremost i still have a few friends who loved me. i consistently got laid for the first half of the year, re-connected with M again and now we're friends, and as of now i am on the train to work. i got hired in the middle of december as an assistant manager and even though the pay is just a meagre RM3K, i am thankful because this will tide me over until i get the opportunity to move on to better things.
i suppose 2024 is the year i turn into a cog in a capitalist system. i get to eat and pay bills, no? so be it.
happy new year, folks.
"where there was nature and earth, life and water, i saw a desert landscape that was unending, resembling some sort of crater, so devoid of reason and light and spirit that the mind could not grasp it on any sort of conscious level and if you came close the mind would reel backward, unable to take it in. it was a vision so clear and real and vital to me that in its purity it was almost abstract. this was what i could understand, this was how i lived my life, what i constructed my movement around, how i dealt with the tangible. this was the geography around which my reality revolved: it did not occur to me, ever, that people were good or that a man was capable of change or that the world could be a better place through oneās own taking pleasure in a feeling or a look or a gesture, of receiving another personās love or kindness. nothing was affirmative, the term āgenerosity of spiritā applied to nothing, was a cliche, was some kind of bad joke. sex is mathematics. individuality no longer an issue. what does intelligence signify? define reason. desire- meaningless. intellect is not a cure. justice is dead. fear, recrimination, innocence, sympathy, guilt, waste, failure, grief, were things, emotions, that no one really felt anymore. reflection is useless, the world is senseless. evil is its only permanence. god is not alive. love cannot be trusted. surface, surface, surface, was all that anyone found meaning in... this was civilization as i saw it, colossal and jagged...ā
-- bret easton ellis, american psycho