birthday month: another reflection
if there is one word that can best encapsulate how i'm feeling up until now is "isolation".
it's either i'm drifting away from everyone around me, or i'm just isolated. to be honest, i really can't tell the difference.
i am still financially struggling, but not as bad compared to last year. whatever it is that i've earned so far went to responsibilities, and none for my own pleasure. what is this sacrifice for? i've been searching for answers; knowing that i don't deserve to live like this; on the brink of poverty and sometimes, insanity.
i do have good friends around me, but they have their own lives and struggles to deal with. they're all happy with their partners and their other friends, busy with events and work. hence, the isolation i'm feeling right now. where do i fit in their pretty little picture of life?
i've read somewhere on the interwebs that to be loved is to be included. so now that i'm feeling isolated... well, i don't even want to answer that :(
i'm proud of myself for writing this long, and this far. perhaps anonymity helped me when it comes to pouring out my thoughts and my feelings in full view of the world wide web. as cliche as it sounds, i'll keep on writing and i'll keep you safe my little journal ❤️
i'm not so sure what to do on my forthcoming birthday; plus not expecting any friends to remember the date (let alone celebrate it!). maybe i should treat myself to that fish curry buffet at my new favourite north indian restaurant in downtown kl. maybe i should take a walk in the park after. maybe... we'll see.
42 goddamn years. sigh. my chest hurts now.. hopefully it's not a disease of some sorts (too poor for medical bills)
"a great fire burns within me, but no one stops to warm themselves at it, and passers-by only see a wisp of smoke"
-- vincent van gogh