birthday month: different path - a reflection
on 24th of july, the civil society organization that always hired me to do their contract job, decided to make me a permanent member on their team. i took it; knowing that it will involve massive amounts of work; knowing that i actually knew nothing (i have no idea what UPR or CEDAW is), knowing that i will finally be earning real, adult money and it will get me out of poverty, i said yes without thinking twice.
my whole world came crashing down.
i was still wrapping everything in my head when JJ died. i am walking a different path now, and he's not here with me. with my workload i don't even have time to grieve, to process everything that had happened.
this year had been a super fucking roller coaster ride; i don't remember when was the last time i had a proper sleep. everything is fast-paced, my time is either spent on other people or for work. i'd like to spend some time for myself, maybe i should go somewhere now that i have money, but bedrotting in my room on my off days sounds more compelling at the moment.
i am grieving over a lot of things; but in the same instances i am grateful. grateful that i have a few friends who stayed, grateful for this new job that pays well, grateful that i've met kind, amazing people in my industry (so far.. hah!)
such a positive experience to be had after years of struggles and misery; six years in an unemployment limbo to be exact... but i'm still feeling sad. maybe after a while, i won't be so sad anymore. maybe.. i can't promise myself that to be honest.
happy 44th dear you. you deserve kindness and love and all the good things in life and i'm proud of you.
"how can i then return in happy plight
that am debarred the benefit of rest?
when day’s oppression is not eased by night,
but day by night and night by day oppressed?"
-- william shakespeare, sonnet 28