crushing hearts
look at that, it's my third month on the new job! how is it going? good huh?
nope. nope. nope.
i like my job, despite the workload. i like people around me, which has become a problem lately.
folks in the same civil society spaces are what my boss called "externals". sometimes you work with them, sometimes you don't but the scene is so small, you'll keep bumping into each other at events or protests or press conferences or at focus group discussions.
most of the time queer spaces in malaysia intersect with civil society spaces; which explains why most CSO's are usually very progressive and accepting. i get to be myself and i'm privileged enough to have the opportunity to meet other people who can be themselves as well. so how is this a problem for me?
it is a huge problem (with a capital H) because i am being surrounded by smart, beautiful women and i'm having crushes in all directions. it's fucked up because these are the people that i work with (to an extent) and honestly i don't want to mix business with pleasure.
what was i thinking? i just started and i have so much to learn, there is no way these smart, beautiful feminists will look in my direction. what do i have? nothing. even if something were to happen, what could i possibly offer, or bring to the table? nothing. i have nothing. how in the fucking world i'm going through these emotions when i should be concentrating on getting myself back on my feet again after all the struggles that i went through?
a friend pointed out that i'm not in a survival mode anymore, and that's why emotionally speaking, i am unconsciously climbing into the next level of Maslow's pyramid.
it's a meaningless climb. as much as i am deserving of kindness and love and all that jazz; ultimately i know that i will never be an object of anyone's affection.
me to myself: what the fuck are you climbing for? get the fuck down ffs.
it's okay. i'm okay, i think. i'm just frustrated with myself for having these feelings. i just want it to go away, i just want to concentrate on my work. sighhh
"you pierce my soul. i am half agony, half hope"
-- jane austen, persuasion