i'm a chicken in a coop, ready for killing
being a dj, getting behind the deck and playing music (even though the dancefloor is empty) is always my happy place and i won't trade it any other way. perhaps this is a good time for me to pen down my thoughts about what had happened in the last decade of my on and off dj career.
i have always been aurally sensitive. so sensitive that if i'm shopping in a retail store that plays shitty music, i literally will last approximately 10-15 minutes before i exit the premise completely. going to uniqlo stores on their opening day is a big no-no to me. happened once before; i lasted about 5 minutes before my sensory became completely overloaded with their "welcome to uniqlo!" greetings permeated in the air every 3 seconds.
gigs, concerts, raves and clubs are the spaces that i called "controlled spaces"; where i knew i wanted my hearing sensor to be overloaded, so i'm okay with that (not being sober helped, to be honest). naturally my sensitive drunk ass will question the music selection from the dj of the night. i said to myself; looks like i have to take these matters into my own hands.. and i did. i wanted to be a dj. i've been wanting to play music since birth (okay i'm exaggerating here) and i failed miserably every time i picked up an instrument, so maybe being a dj is a good creative outlet. i was right and i'm good at it and i never looked back.
i clearly remembered the first time i met F. it was after a queer event in downtown kl, the year was 2006. my friends and i are about to sober up by the roadside stall and we invited some girls from the event to join us. F sat besides me, not knowing who she was. after a little bit of conversation, i realized she was that actress from that famous tv drama which i shall not name here. we bumped into each other again, every now and then, at events; kl is a small town after all.
fast forward to 2010, at that particular time where i hung out a lot with my former bandmates. on halloween night that year, i met J, who joined us for the celebration and as the night went on, i found out J was my senior in college. later after the party i was too drunk to drive home, and J offered her sofa to me for the night. that small act of kindness imprinted in my mind forever, and we became friends.
at this particular time, F was already a well-known dj (especially in the queer scene). unbeknownst to me, F and J started dating in the early 2011 (if i'm not mistaken). the next time i saw J, i exclaimed "hey i didn't know you're not straight!" and J let out a hearty laugh, "me neither!". they both looked really happy and content, a reality that i strive to achieve even though romantic relationship is something that rarely happened to me.
a window of opportunity opened to me, F offered to teach me how to dj for just only RM1.5K. i quit my job (at this time i had the privilege to just quit my job, plus the work environment became really toxic so i had to leave either way), and decided this is the thing that i wanted to do for the rest of my life. it's easy isn't it? learn how to dj and pay it in installments for three months. but this is where the first red flag appeared and i utterly ignored it.
urban dictionary defined red flag as, "a sign or warning of any impending danger, disaster or doom". but how do i know if something is a red flag, if it never happened to me? prior to labour's day eve in 2014, i'm still looking at my friendship with F through a rose-coloured glass.
on the second month of my dj lessons, F asked for the final payment. i was surprised because i just paid her the second payment a couple of weeks prior, and the final payment only due next month. she pressed me to pay in quite a manipulative way, and i relented. my budget was off for that month and i went broke for a couple of weeks. meanwhile, she went for her holiday/diving trip after i transferred the money. at that moment, my neurodivergent brain did not think of anything malicious.
the three of us became close friends. i even went to singapore together with F to watch her dj. singapore was the first time ever i stepped outside of malaysia (and at this time of writing, was the last (hopefully not)). for that time being, as much as i had money to buy whatever i needed, that's all i could afford. i don't have money for holidays or trips like any other people. as long as i can pay my bills and eat good food, i'm cool with that.
we stayed for a night, since singapore was expensive. i was a drunk fuck and totally elated from the fact that a girl picked me up that night and danced with me (never happened before, to be honest). while both of us walked back to the hotel, J called F on the phone; with excitement in her voice wanting to know if anyone picked me up, since i was single for so long. i was right behind F when F snarled into the phone, "can you please stop asking about (my name), i'm jealous". i was brought back into sobriety within a matter of seconds. F probably assumed i didn't hear what she said because i was drunk, and i pretended as if i didn't hear anything. still, i did not think of anything malicious.
my debut as a dj was on september 2011. it was a public holiday, everybody came to party including my former boss and co-workers. the rest of the year 2011 and early 2012, F got me a gig as a touring dj for a well-known discount e-commerce company. when my stint with them was over, i was yet to receive any payment from F. i asked the company's rep, and she said she already paid F my fees. i waited for quite some time (couple of months if i'm not mistaken), when on one fine day F texted me and told me her accountant stole all her money in her bank account and she couldn't pay me.
i was shocked. how can this happened to a friend? i gave her a quick call, and she rejected it. she said she's at the bank right now and can't talk. her first instruction was don't tell J about this (i was told a long time ago by another friend that J came from a very wealthy family). a few hours later she explained everything and again, a reminder of not telling J about her financial situation. she loves J and she doesn't want J to worry.
look at this, my friend was in deep shit. how could i ask her to pay my pending dj fees of RM900? what kind of a person i am if i asked her to do that? after another couple of months, F came with a proposal that i should take her pair of dj turntables in exchange for the payment. i accepted halfheartedly to be honest, because i did believed that i didn't have another choice since F is still recovering her finances and i should be a good friend. because guess what? if i'm in that kind of shit, i too would like my friends to show me some compassion. so i accepted the offer, and with another red flag flying in my face that i'm blinded to (F went for another diving trip with J in indonesia at the end of 2012), and again, still, i did not think of anything malicious.
early 2013, F (including me and some other staffs/performers) had problems with the club we regularly spin at. F was subsequently forced to tender her resignation as a music director. by this time, F owed me a total of RM480 from a few dj gigs back in 2012. how could i ask her to pay, she just lost her job. we did a few gigs together that year, and fortunately i got paid on the spot. i scored quite a number of high-paying gigs on my own, so i was doing okay that year. as a token of appreciation, i treated F and J to dinner at this hipster sandwich place, managed by my former colleague. i gave her a birthday present (a thing i rarely do to friends, even the ones who are close to me), a rare out-of-print mighty ducks ice hockey jersey. she was so happy. i was happy too, since she was happy about it. so happy that i completely forgot about my birthday present that she gave to me the previous year, it was a foodpanda voucher (foodpanda only delivers within 12km radius, and my area only received foodpanda services in 2019, seven years after she gave me that voucher).
there are quite a number of high-paying gigs that she asked me to do in 2013 (wedding, launch ceremony, etc.), and still did not received any payments even though she kept saying she will credit them into my bank account. by august/september i started distancing myself from F. the amount she owed me was nearly a thousand ringgit. early october she reached out to me, she apologized and she wanted to pay me. as usual i did not see any amount credited to my bank account and i distanced myself again from F. in december she reached out again, asking me to replaced her on boxing day at a very prestigious club in kl. i needed money and i'm excited to spin so i said yes. that's okay, we're doing a queer party together for new year's eve so i'll be seeing her and maybe get all my payment, i said to myself. that day came and it was just me and another friend doing the dj sets, she couldn't make it. i was drunk plus i got paid for that gig so i wasn't too fussed.
in january 2014, F contacted me, told me she had a gig for me in penang and the payment was RM1.5K. i told F i couldn't go, unless if she pays me then i can use that money to go to penang. F said she will transfer a little bit so that i can buy a bus ticket. after nine days, on the eve of the penang party, F said she will transfer RM300 to me (didn't see any until today). i told F i didn't contact the client because i don't have any money to buy a bus ticket, thus i couldn't confirm my attendance. i insisted that she took that gig (since she needed money herself), and turned out the client gave the gig to someone else. i felt her disappointment through her text, even though she said it's okay and all was good ("i should've took that gig for myself instead of giving it to you, since you don't bother to contact the client"-kinda feeling). the conversation ended just like that and we didn't talk for a couple of months.
sometime in march she contacted me again, she said she missed me and she's spinning at a famous club near klcc. honestly, my feelings were "i missed my friends so i'm gonna go downtown and have some fun". that party on the 30th of march 2014, was the last time i saw F and J.
after that she texted me again, and requested me to replace her at this pool side club (jonathan davis from korn dj at this club when he was in kl). i haven't dj for so long and i really missed dj-ing, so i said yes. it was a labour's day eve, and i only had RM20 cash in my hand since my paycheck is still pending clearance from the bank, plus it was a long public holiday weekend so my cheque will only clear by next week. i was cautious; i can survive tonight, i told myself. i've been to the club before, so parking will costs me RM10, and RM3.80 toll cost for the trip back home.
i got there and for some reason parking fees increased to RM15. the guy who took care of the open air parking lot said he didn't have small change for my RM20. i insisted, told him that i still didn't received my salary and needed that change for the toll fare back home. he said since i'm dj-ing at the club on the rooftop, he will personally go up and give me back my RM5 change. i really had to get to work so i agreed to his arrangement.
my set finished at 1 am, and without thinking twice i asked the bar manager for my payment. "oh since we're dealing with F, we will give F your payment", she said. i said okay; i was tired so i don't want to argue and i just wanted to go home and sleep, so i went down the elevator to the open air parking lot.
the guy who took care of the parking lot was nowhere to be found. i frantically searched for him, and saw three hotel parking attendants nearby.
me: "excuse me, do you know where can i find the guy who took care of the open air parking lot?"
attendant #1: "oh, he went home already"
me (in a panic voice): "what?! he owed me RM5 change!"
annoying attendant #2: "aiyo you come back tomorrow and ask him lah. next time park with us, it's cheaper. don't park with him"
me (in a panic, cracking voice): "tomorrow?! what do you mean tomorrow? i can't even go home tonight. i haven't got my salary yet and i needed that RM5 for the toll back home!"
and with that last sentence, i felt the rose-coloured glass shattered all over my head. i slumped by the roadside near the hotel parking entrance, crying uncontrollably, as if i had lost everything in my life. my mind went blank, i didn't know what to do. all i wanted to do was just cry. my crying fest was halted temporarily when i felt a gentle tap on my shoulder.
attendant #1: "here, take my RM5"
me (stared in disbelief): "give me your contact number. i'll come here tomorrow and pay you back"
attendant #1: "it's okay, no need. i ask that open air parking lot guy to pay me back tomorrow. you just go home, okay?"
with tears still streamed down my face, i thanked him profusely and ran to my car. i locked the door and cried some more. after my emotions stabilized, i started the engine and drove back home; crying a little bit here and there, until i safely passed out onto my bed.
looking back, i've been through a lot of shit, and i'm convinced the event that had transpired that night was the lowest of lows in my life. nothing could go lower than that. feeling stuck (with no backup plan) and alone and unable to go home.
to that parking attendant #1, you're always on my mind and i wish you'll be blessed with the best things in life. you have shown me kindness and compassion, even though it was small, something that F had forgotten to show me.
the next day, with me still feeling angry and confused, F texted me and asked me to replace her again for the labour's day party at the same club. i told her i'm exhausted of carrying water from the water tank truck to my house (i lied, my house didn't have water cuts) and i couldn't replace her. i know i lied but the last four words was the truth. the previous night was my turning point. there is no more help and love or anything else for that matter, that i can give to F anymore. i can give nothing.
i did not initiate any contact with F after that. F messaged me on twitter in june 2014, wanting to pay what she owed me, but of course that didn't happen. i can't stay unemployed for too long, i have no choice but to go back into retail. sometime in the fourth quarter of 2014, F reached out to me, wanted to hang out with me at the retail shop i worked at and she wanted to pay me back as well. that never happened. in november 2014, a group of korean reality tv show celebrities held their concert in kl. F uploaded a picture of the ticket she bought on social media, with a clear price of RM700 printed on it. i cried. that's almost half of what she owed me.
i contracted dengue in february 2015, and landed in the icu. my mother thought i was gonna die (normal platlet count on a healthy person is 450, mine was 21), but i survived. F texted me after so long, she heard i got dengue from J and she wished me well. can't recall whether she mentioned about paying me back, but even if she did, i know it's all just words and not money in my bank account.
in april 2015, F and J went for another diving trip in south ari atoll, maldives. i wonder how could F afford to go on this trip (no questions on J though, i know she can afford it) and my heart breaks a little bit.
on that ill-fated day of 30th september 2015, F texted me on whatsapp, asked how am i doing and asked for my forgiveness. you have been a good and loyal friend, she said. all those diving trips and holidays are not her money, but J's. she told me she broke up with J (but still friends with her), and now dating someone new. she wanted to hang out and pay me back. i don't remember whether i replied her or not because i had to get to work, but she was the last person to text me before my near-death accident. when i regained my consciousness, i found out that my phone was stolen at the accident site. i suffered from brain injury and retrograde amnesia, and the first thing i'm looking for was my phone. i kept asking for my phone in the next few days, my family thought i'm already done for and gone cuckoo in my head.
when my thoughts became clear within that week, i used my mother's phone to post an update on social media about my condition. hundreds of well-wishes and love and support came through, except from F. i have not heard a single squeak from F, until today. we have so much mutuals in common, fb algorithm will put the post on top of the page especially if it gained traction among mutuals. everybody saw that post. please don't fucking tell me you didn't see it, F.
i spent the next few years in and out of hospital, getting treatment especially physiotherapy. i got to the point where i knew who my friends were (at the same time i got myself a dj gig with underground queer collective and made new friends too), and those are the friends that i kept until today. J was one of them, she consistently checks on me and we wish each other happy birthday every year. but that was it. one of my close friend urged me to tell everything that happened between me and F to J, and i have kept the communication line open, but for some reason we didn't hang out anymore. maybe we drifted apart; i don't know.. but J always touched base with me so i'm not sure what's going on. i missed her very much and she deserves to know the shitshow that happened right under her nose.
in june 2017, F went on rambling in an fb post about the male-dominated dj scene in kl and a short sentence from that post stuck to my memory until this day. "i'd rather live my life honestly, not owing anyone money.."
angry. furious. betrayed. flip the fucking table. all the negative emotions in the world. i blocked F everywhere; phone lines, social media, every fucking place. i don't want to see her face. i don't want to hear any explanations from her. all i want was that RM1530 in my bank account and she can fuck off from the face of the earth.
so far i have heard from four different people that F owed or used to owe them money. was it a good feeling, hurting people that genuinely cares about you, for just a mere diving trips, concert tickets, new sneakers or new apple iwatch? tell me F, how did you sleep at night?
"we were friends, somehow. but in the end, somehow, he intended to be a mortal enemy. all the while that he was making the gestures of a close and precious friend he was fattening my soul in a coop till it was ready for killing" -- Saul Bellow