mayday mayday mayday
it's may and unfortunately my predicaments did not get any better.
lately it felt like there's no one i can talk to. real talk. not texting, not leaving voice notes on whatsapp; but talking and having conversations like people used to do. sure, i have friends who are close to me but they too are struggling with their lives and i'm already big of a burden as it is (even though they said i am not).
it was at this time last year i realized that my savings will run dry if nobody wanted to hire me. same time too i realized that my father had no intentions whatsoever to save the family from the financial ruin that he caused. i frantically doubled my efforts but unfortunately a year later, i'm still in the same spot and nothing has changed.
i needed help. i asked for help. only a few did answer that call. the ones close to me tried whenever they can afford to, but most of the time they can't. the ones that told me to reach out went radio silent when i did. the ones who are privileged enough to help? well, they are nowhere to be seen and some decided to cut ties with me. i already don't have that many friends to begin with, and now my friends circle are getting even smaller.
i stopped asking for help on my super private social media too, knowing my call for help mostly went unanswered. the underground queer collective that was my chosen family; a long time ago vowed to help me if ever i needed it, went on with their partying life even after i told some of them about the struggles that i'm going through. those heartwarming stories about communities came together to help folks around them, i suppose it's just a fairy tale and it doesn't happen to me.
maybe it's luck that i made a new friend back in january. she's not malaysian but she frequently came over for work, and whenever she's in town she hosted me at luxurious hotels. i get to eat good food that is not rice and eggs (what my family and i consumed almost on daily basis since that's all the foodstuffs we can afford at the moment), and we provide each other with physical comfort. she's very kind to me and i deserve kindness from the people i sleep with (a bare minimum and long overdue), but our arrangement are casual and in my experience, these things never last.
enjoy the moment while you can, you deserved it. you deserved to be taken care of; that's what my friends said. whenever our weekend debauchery was over, i went back to my reality at home, and depression sets in.
the only way to solve my problems right now is employment. that's it. a good full-time job or consistent dj gigs; in an ideal world, i would love to have both. i have none right now and i'm at my wit's end trying to figure out how to sustain myself financially.
i don't know who will read this. i need help. i'm tired of asking for help. i'm tired of my call for help went unanswered. i'm tired of privileged friends offering things that doesn't help me just so they can satisfy their saviour complex.
i'm tired. send help.
"if we always helped one another, no one would need luck"
-- sophocles