mid-year musings
i personally felt that most people have been very impatient lately. was it because of the worldwide lockdown that happened not so long ago? falling behind the bandwagon, thus the insatiable need of catching up with everything, fast
my mind seems to wonder about a lot of people, especially those who are close to me, or used to. did i ever cross their mind? maybe not
went to women's march for the first time this year. bumped into an old friend; i met him back in 2009 when we were working together. we're not super close but we were in the same friends group; shared each other's ups and downs, especially when he started his HRT. he's one of the few people i always hung out with. but at women's march a few months ago, he introduced me to his other friends as "my colleague". it made me wonder if anyone i was ever close with considered me as a friend; not as a colleague, or an acquaintance, or someone they occasionally bumped into at events
it annoys me when people around me are apolitical, "oh, i don't care about politics". you don't, don't you? but politics care about you. politics touch everything you do in your daily life. the eggs that you buy at the supermarket, the petrol that you put in your car tank, the salary that you receive every month; it's all politics. all it takes is one dumb politician in power removing eggs subsidy, raising the petrol price and slashing the minimum wage, maybe then you'll be political (i doubt that, to be honest)
puteh the resident stray cat died on the 2nd of june. my huge lawn provided shelter to abandoned stray cats ever since i moved here back in 2009. i neutered them all and gave them abundant food and love. puteh is such a distinguished gentleman. he doesn't have temper and he took care of other resident stray cats in my care; a big brother to everyone. his death was unexpected; and it hit me like a ton of bricks. as with other death of my cats, i kept going back to the same questions; "what do i do? how do i live now without them?", and i can never find the answer, nor the peace of mind i was looking for
went to a job interview recently. applied at an organization that aligned with my beliefs and looking forward to share my expertise with them. unfortunately the interviewer sent numerous amount of mixed signals so i'm back to being my pessimistic self; i thought to myself i might not get the job. constantly applying for work is such an insufferable experience
i am alone in the face of my own grief, as always. i'm sure it's a slight relief in my burden if i get to share it with someone, but it's just a wish. there's no one to share it with. i accepted the fact that i'm alone, and i will be until the end of my days