odd one out
recent discovery about certain things amongst my social circle proved that i will always be by myself; i will always be alone.
i have yet to assess whether it is a good thing or a bad thing, being by myself until the end of my days.
i'm always the weird one. most of the time i have troubles articulating my thoughts and feelings verbally and not understanding social cues; left to be the odd one out, the lone ranger, the solitary commander.
i have long accepted that i don't belong in any social group amongst my friends. my exclusion was mandatory, as seen in outings posted by them on social media. the local queer scene that i poured my creativity, my heart and my soul too had already forgotten about me. the isolation was imminent.
that's okay, i suppose. i'm not entitled to anything.
this heavy realization also includes the fact that from this day onward, i might not be in a relationship at all until the day i die. which is okay too because those past relationships that happened to me was just that; it happened. i did not actively look for a romantic relationship.
what else is there to do but to put my head down, and hustle, and hustle, and be kind to people, and hustle some more?
i'm 41 years old. whatever it is that i'm supposed to feel, i already felt it.
i'm okay. i have to.
"in spite of language, in spite of intelligence and intuition and sympathy, one can never really communicate anything to anybody. the essential substance of every thought and feeling remains incommunicable, locked up in the impenetrable strong-room of the individual soul and body. our life is a sentence of perpetual solitary confinement"
-- aldous huxley