the truth about me
previously published on scribble, 2002
disclaimer: i was young and dumb and i modified this version of someone else's writing i found on the internet. it resonated with what i'm feeling at that time so i decided to published it. not original, boo (booing myself really hard now)
i hid my attraction for her for the longest time. it has been months and although i've not told her how i felt, i've showered her with affection and attention and she is doing the same for me.
she always sends me sms, and they're not spam, they're personal messages. she often chats with me on the phone and i talk about myself, my fears, crushes, loves, failures and even the simplest things like how the moon is so beautiful in the dawn as it sinks down and disappears in the sunlight.
it must be kept a secret. even though i am single, available and ready to commit to her, she is way out of my league. it's hard to love someone who's straight, isn't it? it's even harder to love someone who's not only hetero but older than my age. the only consolation i probably have is the fact that she knows and is well aware of 'what' i am and that she accepts that.
knowing the problems with this kind of love, i try to distract myself as often as possible. i attempt to think of her less, i attempt to avoid her calls and i avoid meeting her. But my attempts are futile and i end up being always by her side at every moment she calls my name.
she is in the age of sweetness, so affectionate and so warm that i am drawn to her out of loneliness and a feeling of incompleteness. i know that this age does not last and soon she too will be swamped with serious problems in life and i will be together less, and she will have her own life while i may end up stuck in her past dimension of youth.
i never expect her to reciprocate my love but secretly i hope that someday she will. it is a desire of mine to one day hold and kiss her like a lover but rational thinking takes over the matters of impossible love and i am reminded that it won't happen, it will never happen.
i hide my attractions because i don't want to lose her, she must not know the truth about me or else she will disappear so fast that i won't even have time to take a good last look at her angelic face.
one day i'll have to tell her. and that may be the day when i will see her for the last time. it may go several ways, she may cry, breakdown and accuse me of taking advantage of our friendship but inside it may cause her an even deeper pain.
i do not know what to expect when the day comes that i'll have to tell her and explain why i've always remained single, or why i were afraid to commit to anyone, and why i just weren't interested in the gorgeous women who fell at my feet.
"maybe when she gets a little bit older," i think. it may be the right time to tell her. but i have little time now and she won't stay very long. still, thoughts of keeping it to myself linger about and i believe that it may be better to keep mum and wait for these feelings to go away. they will go away all right, but i will never have the chance to feel the anxiety, excitement or suspense of actually expressing how i feel in words.
i will not have the chance to feel that thrill and the pounding of my heart as i slowly but surely tell her that i am in love with her. there will be no memory of how i bared my heart and soul to a person i loved so much, only a memory of silence will exist and many thoughts wondering what could’ve happened if i said something.
time will run out and it is always best to be honest and sincere about feelings. she is going away and i may never see her again. the truth about me must be told for on that day she leaves me, there will be no turning back or there may be no post romance but there is a slight chance that she may just tell me how she's kept the truth about her.